Dear Self,

Funny that I call you that considering how constantly changing you are; something which beats me much! I admit, however, that there is some level of consistency that you have managed to maintain up to now although I am worried that you have been expressing it only in certain aspects of our life.


You have been swallowed up in pulp Eminem lyrics lately and I am not complaining: I mean, for all we know, that could be the only thing that has sustained us in these trying times. The Eminem mode has a way of holding back the major depressive episodes that have graced us since High School, but I think it has its limits and we may want to evaluate where we hinge our continual existence.

I respected your philosophy that Reason & Knowlege could protect us and warrant us a future but I fear that, by choosing that course, we may have lost the context of life to begin with. Family now seems to be an arbitrary team and the relationship with them is continually shaping into an intellectual one, devoid of any emotions whatsoever. More is the pity, the last time we cried was in 2006.

You persuaded me that the best way to avoid frustration is to fully understand something but this has dragged with it some demons which deny us sleep. Yeah, Changing One Thing Changes Many! We began to pick on subliminal meanings more and others’ body languages became more apparent to us and, whilst this may have had its perks, we were not immune to the hurt it often brought. Why all this complications when we could have simply taken up ‘Ignorance Is Bliss’ and easily pitch a tent?

Do you remember the time when you believed you could get a scholarship but the people closest to us didn’t believe that were possible? They never said it but, as habit would have it, we looked at their facial expressions and understood that the dream was exclusively yours. I have always wanted a path of little resistance: get a job, marry later on and live an Acadian life, but you have always felt an inexorable nudge to become bigger and better everyday. You remember Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Grey? Did we not pick up some notes about the Pleasures of life from there?

I understand that you are a man of myriad appetites, but what was that about reading Atheism forums with Cuthbert outside the lecture theatre in High School? Sister always told you to guard our heart jealously but curiosity won and we lost grip of something we had been once sure of: The existence of God. You were only 14 when you were obsessed with Truth Claims and World Views and it was not long before you peeped into the Pandora Box. Now that you have understood that most of the World Views circle back on themselves thwarting any enquiries whatsoever, you have formed a World View of your own from borrowed concepts. What happened to Simplicity?

Today I watched you flunk us in the Machines 1 test. You couldn’t even get a single question right! All because, what, you think we have gone further enough from where we started? You believe in Time and Opportunity and not a certified paper? What happened to the willpower you once had? What happened to The Dream? What happened to making something of yourself? What happened to understand the difference between Privilege and Right?


Herbert Uba