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I made a big change in my life. I recently made a personal decision to change my religion status to agnostic. Because of this, these past few weeks have been characterized by a loathe of religion, particularly Christianity, and I constantly showed this in my conversations with a friend of mine, Felix. Felix’s psychoanalysis of me as “confused” had me thinking, you know, after I strongly disagreed with him in my defensive behavior. For many reasons, I put Felix in a basket of people who are least interested in Psychoanalysis thus the fact that he picked up a change in my behavioral pattern just means that my behavior was overly obvious. In hindsight, Felix was really onto something there.

I think my life is resenting the changes. I call it destination fever to put this state of mind in the same basket as how I was feeling in my first month in India. At a subconscious level, I think I have always known that I had destination fever. In an additional opinion, I think I avoided thinking about that much to sort of warrant my conscious mind plausible deniability. Knowing everything about yourself kind of spoils the taste of wine, don’t you think?

In an additional opinion, I think I avoided thinking about that much to sort of warrant my conscious mind plausible deniability. 

Anyway, I no longer believe that the existence of a deity, God(s), can be ascertained. It is a big change! Mocking religion would be acting out of character though and, thanks to Cuthbert, one of my best friends, I am persuaded that some people actually need religion. I have since started practicing tolerance. My cardinal belief is that nothing really matters, anyway, so my disposition does not warrant me an existential advantage to those who believe. Life is a zero sum game. I would not say this out loud though because this thought condones suicide.

Knowing everything about yourself kind of spoils the taste of wine, don’t you think?

I think that you will feel cheated if I am to end this post without telling you the reason for my adjustment. Like most religious people, I have held some “simple truths” as dogma since I was a child. Seeing them being practiced and upheld attached emotion to them and before long gained seat at my intellectual round table. 

These, I have grown to understand, thwarted my objective thinking faculty. Take for instance, I have periodic depressive episodes, an addiction, a diabetic mother who I have not seen for over two years because I am stuck in a college where the learning process has been grossly misunderstood. I missed my sister’s marriage ceremony and my memory has been deteriorating so much in the past year that I now think of myself as a Mac with 2MB memory. 

My point is not that this chaos led me to skepticism per say but that in my whole life I have experienced what the alternative opinion says. In hindsight, the belief in god(s), at least in Christianity, held some infinitely looped up logic in which even room for enquiry was wrapped up and yet an empirical understanding of the life it affected could not reflect much effect. However, I still have logical objections to atheism thus I decided to split the difference, ergo Agnosticism.

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