I have been a blogger for a little under a year now and if you follow my blog you might have picked up on how my tone has changed from a persimistic and dark tone to an optimistic and more colourful one, I think.
What you might not know is that I have battled with depression since my teenage years and the trajectory led me here: WordPress, a community of writers most of whom find writing therapeutic to depression(forgive me if I sound overly presumptuous).
I have been told that I have a beautiful collection of dark poetry. I have also written posts about Suicide and Depression. Most of my works were birthed in that ghastly state of mind I have learnt to see for what it is and loathe. I have learnt to write with a healthier mindset and I am happy to report that everything is going great.
My road to redemption started when I discovered that there is a psychology to my constant purging that was quite elusive to me for a long time.
BLOGGING, DEPRESSION & SUICIDE
Do you ever consider that maybe some bloggers commit suicide because of depression and other similar struggles? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe we witness the suicide trajectory in their blogging content?
I think some distress signals pass for pure creativity to us, the ignorant, and as an emotional high for other depressed bloggers who crave empathy. Seriously though, I have bloggers who I am particularly worried about. They just stopped publishing posts. All that dolorous content, poof! Maybe it is time for us to care and create awareness, don’t you think?
A distress signal of a fellow blogger is aptly described by that case of that proverbial parable of that guy who was was screaming out a warning, “The roof is on fire!”at a party and people kept on cheering. Okay, maybe more like, “I’m on fire!”
Because we use words in diverse creative ways, it often becomes hard to know what to take seriously and what not.
Anyway, my battle against depression and collective bondage started when I commited to fighting my depression by reading around and by psychoanalysing myself and other people going through a similar predicament.
Here are some of my epiphanies which helped me better my condition.
1. DESTRUCTIVE SYMPATHY.
If you battle depression, chances are you follow hash tags such as #depression, #suicide etc. here on WordPress. This is a super fast way to get in touch with bloggers who are going through the same problem.
However, instead of helping one another map out ways to fight a common enemy, as is the initial incentive of most bloggers who have this problem, it is easy to get latched to a loop in which depression is the new normal.
My blog was that magical box where I could stuff all my negative energy in. I always had something to stuff into it. My mind never disapointed. This is the biggest danger in my opinion and it’s the first step past the safe zone, when writing becomes rather destructive than therapeutic.
Follow those tags and you will see just how people can get swallowed up in the depression trajectory so easily that they lose the inclination to change their situations.
Most bloggers just purge their negative energy; the posts are mostly just dark thoughts that poison the soul, surfeit of hopelessness and ironically laced with an implicit pride.
By following these tags, a depressed blogger will be actually fueling his condition and setting himself up for more depressive episodes.
It is a beautiful thing to know that you are not alone and, with the right mindset, it can be helpful in finding ways to better your condition. However, if this is handled with a careless mind, it becomes a sedative and gives a sense of belonging. Subsequently, a blog boils down to some community of similar minds bound by a vortex of perilous emotions.
2. DESTRUCTIVE GLAMOR
My writing tone often displayed an explicit passion and a somewhat underlying pride. At some point I even considered that maybe, just maybe, my state of mind was an embeded part in the thought experiments I often indulged in and of my passion for philosophy and wordplay. I called my depression a cool demon. Yet in an essense this only sedated me from thinking up ways to do something about my situation and I think set me up with a suicide trajectory that nearly claimed my life.
3. Demons Inviting More.
I like Eminem so much. I like wine sometimes. I’m still to listen to Passenger’s new album. Normal habits of a normal young man? Let’s see,
I noticed Eminem had a place in my regenerative depressive episodes. If something overwhelmed me I would desperately want to believe that I do not care about it at all. In a weird sense, nobody I know cares less about anything than Eminem. Through his songs, Eminem was like a mentor to me.
Most of Passenger’s songs prompt a pensive mood to the listener. His poetic tone and thoughtful lyrics inexorably got me into a pocket universe of his own, pumped up for my next poem to my blog.
Wine was my last resort; that and a few other demons I’m still to get comfortable discussing about. (Yeah, nice try!)
I love Eminem and Passenger. I have learnt to listen to their music with a more graceful mindset. There is nothing wrong with wine either. As soon as my tuberculosis prognosis is over I should be able to have some.
If you have a battle of the mind, you become a sucker for emotion. So many things can become quite the comfort zone. Yet most of the times it is just an unstable equilibrium; a step closer to the edge of the building.