An acquaintance of mine read a few of my latest posts and asked me if I had darkened. I was quick to dismiss the discussion partly because I had little time on my hands. Well, I was kinda in my Kanye mode but for a different reason, of course. Okay, truth time; I just do not like being psychoanalysed. However, this prompted me to have a monologue about this.
I like dark poetry and I enjoy dark humor; especially subliminal dark humor. Perhaps that stems from a dark past about a hard life from which I just had a respite. Just a glimpse into my old pages; before I got a scholarship to study in India, I was living in a single room with my parents and my elder sister. However, to say that this and of ilk made me darken is not persuasive to me and here is why. I had a privilege to be exposed to better life- albeit through media- so much that I almost feel like I have lived it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is what it is.
Maybe I darkened because of a particular event in my life. Well, there actually has been one from which I am still recovering. Yes, a girl happened! Persuaded that it was worth it and brandishing granted surety that nothing would possibly go wrong , I went all in until she trapped me between the deep blue sea and the devil. Nah, no specifics as of yet. I remember almost breaking a leg trying to prove a point in an incident in which I looked down from the roof of my hostel and, for the first time in my life, felt an inexorable inclination of how easier life would be if I just toppled off from there. Luck enough, when she took two souls with herself, she left me with some meager common sense which made me decide against suicide and start fighting for another day. If ever I darkened, this would be what the event.
Do I write poems about her? Oh, well, sometimes. Dark? Almost always. Still smitten? Please! Okay, yes; totally! I found a safe pocket universe to make all these coexist, though; so I will probably live long. I will tell you a little about it.
I have daily self-administer therapy sessions. Bad idea! Perhaps I will tell you why in another post. This worsened my depressive episodes in my teenage years until I got a hang of it. Anyway, I always think of myself in binary. There is a part of me that is stark primal and daunting to deal with. This is the douchebag that makes me trip sometimes. Since I’m doing Electrical Engineering I will put it like this douchebag is my earth wire, though. It constantly reminds me of how human I am.
The intellectual part of me is the cool guy who I let most people see. He helps me make objective decisions about my life. Thinking of myself in this way makes the process of troubleshooting self systematic. I think of douchebag as a child learning new things and I think of my intellect as the teacher and the one who knows best. In this way everyone is clear about his place in my universe.
This connects to my dark poetry in that the delicate side of me powers my emotions and this vortex is what I use to write most of my poems. I call the experience purging. It is just a lousy arrangement in which my intellectual helps out my primal. Happy to report that it has been working magic so far and I have long since forgotten the last time I got depressed and I have been sober for about seven months.
I would love to know how you deal with depression and thoughts of suicide?